judge me

go ahead your not the first
and you won't be the last

...........

just because it's monday

your beauitful

you take my breath away

i thank god for everday your in my life

i love you

i will always love you

i have always loved you

and this is just for it being monday

something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue

Heartache and pain are what he feels

Could the cruel words he hear really be real

"Your nothing your no one just another nigga to me everything you are is what i made you 2 be"

Words that hit through his flesh and all

They hit him so hard he just fallls

into a train of thought that these words might be true

the insecurities he has tried to hide everyone could now see through

They see the depression, rage , anger, and hate

they see they envy and the lust to find an unsure fate They see the lost boy that doesn't want to go home at night

To a drunken father and another fight

To a home so broken it doesn't hold him at night instead only haunted dreams of an out of control fight

A place that he remembers was once filled with love

but with ever bottle swished it flew away as a dove

He tries to fight using the knowledge he was blessed with

but in the situation the knowledge is only a myth

for no book taught him how to grow up so fast

when he s put in situations that will forever haunt his past

He chooses to cut into his heart and take his father completely out

The good the bad everything and chooses to reroute

with the cutting he determines a new route to take o

out of this road that made his skin so thick

out of this road that made him sick

out of this road with another FUCKING challenge that was suppose to make him stronger

out of this road of constant forgiving of someone he could take no longer

out of this road that made him feel like everyone was out to get him

out of this road of not letting anyone in to see the real him

out of a rough life that no one ever nor will ever really know

out of a rough life that he never thought would get so low

for on this new road the past lurks no more

only greatness and the wanting to be free and sore

for he wants to be happy have friends and always smile

even if it is only for a brief short while

people will never understand the struggle he has faced

or the nightmares he wished he could erase

or why he's get mad and has an attitude all the fucking time

but it's all just a protective wall that he's finally going to let down f

or once in his life to see who would come around

see what friends are found to be right

a friend to be with and treat him right

for a true friend had always been a myth

never around because they never exist

but he's ready to move forward into a brighter day

one that someday will take him far far away

Now that you've seen just a glimpse of his life

maybe you will understand why he must always fight

why wait...

why must we wait till the ones we love are gone to celebrate there life
why must we wait to say the beautiful things we love about them until there nothing more than dust
why should we wait till a heart stops to say i love you
when that i love you could of kept that heart pumping( to be continued tired )

PEOPLE ARE DUMB BITCHES THAT NEVER EVER CHANGE

I'm sitting in my room so fucking mad rite now i could just rip out my hair on the Verge of crying my eyes out because i know it's better than yelling and screaming at every single person in my house. As i sit up against my blue wall in my room wondering what the fuck I'm going to do, while procrastinating for finals, the amazing Chelsea Wells pops into my brain and say "blog". I talked to Chelsea yesterday when the seniors came back into adv drama and she said " T-dunc why the fuck haven't you blogged" my response "i been busy". i have found myself really getting upset easily lately and not being able to shake that sense of rage i feel and i hadn't pondered why until just now when i said to myself shit i haven't blogged in 2 weeks. blogging has been a legit escape for me whether i post it or not, i have been able to focus, do better in school, and not self destruct because blogging has let me escape from myself and the reality of my life which i most the time HATE. it's crazy that something so simple as writing just whatever the fuck is on your mind can really release who you are. All the thought i have in my mind, the feelings, the worries can all be let out here and then i feel free. idk I'm just blown away that this one little thing on the Internet had i found sooner could of stopped my breakdown, my freak outs, my self destruction and stopped me from doubting me. it so cool to go on here spell shit wrong curse lay your feeling all out there and not care if someone reads it or comments it or hates it. but back to the topic at hand people are dumbass bitches. i cannot STAND how ignorant and stupid WE as a human race are. we treat each other like shit, hate one another behind each others back, and really take each other for granted. Sometimes i sit back and just feel sad for some the people in this school and leaving this school. Some don't even know what haveing a true friend is , what a caring person looks like, or even ever actually meant "how are you doing" when they asked someone. There so artificial and plastic and stupid. I get so frustrated because there is more to life the manhattan beach or hermosa beach or whatever fucking beach you live in. there are people starving for the scraps you throw away at dinner, great minds rotting because there not given a chance at a good education, young spirits dieing because they have accepted there is nothing better for them than there current misery, people wishing they could live in a town where the cheapest house is 1 million dollars there are people dieing for a chance at success why those people piss it away. one these days by the time they realize all the good things they have got it going 2 b 2 late. people take there lives there money there cars all for granted but what we take for granted the most is each other. i don't give fuck if this sounds cocky or arrogant since i'm such an arrogant asshole as it is which i still don't get but someone will miss me someone will have taken my love and friendship for granted and will miss it. i know i have so much to give to the world and i don't believe i would be going through the hell i have been through my whole life if there wasn't a purpose for me. but people take what i can give for granted all the time whether it b help with this or that or even a smile and by the time they realize that they took me for granted my wall will already be built 12 feet high against them and the cries for help will no longer be heard. because i cried for help or a hand to hold while i walked through hell and they weren't there because they knew i would always be there. So whoever reads this random ,long. pure venting. poorly edited blog please don't take the people in your life for granted because they could be gone tomorrow

Hope

Hope that the last piece will fall into place