Hope

Hope that the last piece will fall into place

Imagine

Imagine the problems that could be solved

if we only opened up our mouths and spoke what we truely felt inside.

wondering

our librarian is such a fucking dick. He bitches at you for not having a note from your teacher when you need 2 print 1 fucking thing or copy one piece of paper that takes 2 seconds. He always seems like he is fighting back showing an emotion either anger, fear, sorrow something. I wonder if he tries so hard to control everything and keep everything neat and in line because his life has been the total opposite messy, complicated, and out of control. As i sit here in the library 4th period procrastinating on doing the research i am actually supposed to be doing i look at this man and just wonder. WHo could of made him such an angry little man. What made him want to spend the rest of his life monitoring 9th graders watching porn on the Internet or wasting his time teaching students who don't care how to use search engines when 99% of them are just going to use google or yahoo anyway. who needs to control every little thing in there life to keep sane. If he has kids are they as confined as his library is his wife, or boyfriend, kept on such a short leashe or does he overcompinsate for not being able to control these thing or people, if they exsist in his life, by controlng everything else in his life to a T. But that all we can ever really do as observers of other peoples life is think, wonder , speculate, because the truth is we never really know what someone is thinking or has just thought of how they really feel. We never know what they have been through or are going through, or what they are avoiding. But yet we judge and wonder and come to our own conclusions on what we think there life is when it may not hurt to just mind your own business or ask sometimes eople need to let others into there life to truely complete it. Bell about to ring god how i love to blog

jealousy

Dedicated to a friend that was never really a friend

jealousy :a feeling of jealous envy, is what the dictionary defines it as.



you look at me with smiles yet my name was just on your lips
we laugh togehter yet you were just laughing at me
we hang out yet all you do is complain about why we don't hang out anymore
you hate me so much that i am what consumes your life, drives your exsistences ,your next breath, your next heart beat, your next thought
i am what keeps you thriving knowing that you have someone to put all your self anger and self hate on
i am not going to change who i am for anyone and exspecially not a true friend like you
all the light i have in my life the few good things i have to hold on to are sucked out by you and your negativity when your around
when we talk it's never "how are you", "whats up", it's "did you hear about so and so" , or "these are my problems stop what your doing and listen to me"
but when i have problems you hear them but you never listen you have the words pass through one ear and out the other
your expression shows that your not really there even though you agree and say "o yeah" to everything i say
the nights i hurt you were never there to offer your shoulder
we were suppose to be family yet i was never good enough for you consider me a brother
i became occuppied with being happy and that was a bad thing to you
i choose not to sulk in the misery of my life but change it and you hated me for that
i choose to not be angry anymore but to forgive myself and that was a weak move
i wanted to not wake up in the morning regretting that i had woken up and i was being stupid
i was tired of hating the world for being stuck in a family and a world i didn't belong to yet all you did was complain about how you felt a lil unhappy and depressed in your perfect life
a true friend would not have hated me for who i was becoming but would of supported me the whole way
a true friend would not be jealous of my happiness but want to bathe in it with me
a true friend would of been there through thick and thin
we parted our ways and drifted because I made the choice too that blame is on me
but i made that choice because i could no longer hate who i was or who i was becoming
and because you left me no other choice to choose from
comments appreciated

feeling alone

a feeling that leaves you hot and cold at the same time
a feeling that leaves you so hurt inside it fucks up your mind and body
a feeling that haunts you in your happiest moments yet never lets you forget your worst
a feeling so dark and empty that no light is ever seen upon your face
a feeling that leaves you breathless but wanting you to stay that way
a feeling that the slitting of wrist can't even make you stop feeling
a feeling of looking in the mirror praying that finally there is no reflection
a feeling of being in the most crowded room yet feeling that no one is there with you
a feeling that makes you want to sleep but never awake from that sleep again
a feeling of looking at the sun yet only seeing rain
a feeling of never seeing the flowers grow only watching them die
a feeling that leaves you wishing your own little corner was a little smaller
a feeling wanting you to cling to others but making you realize theres no one there
a feeling that to many hear about yet none listen to
a feeling of fear and anxiety from feeling fear and anxiety
a feeling of knowing tomorrows coming but wanting it only to stay away
a feeling that makes the same moment that took your breath away leave you gasping for air
a feeling of no love or support that no one should ever have to feel
a feeling i know all to well yet no one knows that feeling lives inside of me .

ME

how do i open my eyes when they have always been closed
how do i blossom when I've never been good enough to be a rose
beaten down and tore down is all I've ever been through
told you'll be nothing and no one will ever love you
a place of love and comfort doesn't exist for me
a place of hatred and sorrow is my reality
run forever and maybe it will all disappear
the pain the heartache and the hidden tears
the buried gashes in my soul that bleed dieing hope
of something of anything not simply no
the damaged wings of my spirit that i will always have to live with that drag like a dieing corpse with nothing in it
the cracked teeth of my smile that can only be hidden for so long
from the world from my friends that something is really wrong
the hurt heart inside that only weeps of dreams that have died
slowly with every tear i have ever cried
but the reflection in the mirror is not 1 that is familiar to me
i don't know who I'm looking at and it confuses me
nothing is wrong and its soul lives with no doubt
of tomorrow of yesterday or of any account
when it cried out for help for anyone someone to hear
but no echo was ever heard the silence was clear
and that silence has lived in me for 2 long
and the pain inside me is beginning to pro long
into anger and fear frustration i cannot bear
one that i can no longer hide as it lingers through the air
i am damaged and crying for a lending hand
of someone who will not judge me in the end
for my past or future things that i may do
but see that the person inside me is true
and will love me, hold me, and listen to the voice voice inside

that has been caged and chained for to long but has refused to die
and not be heard by the world and show all the amazing things it can do
because I'm done with hiding and this voice is too
I'm done with being unhappy i want to breath the fresh air
and not have to worry if someone is judging me and simply not care
i want to be able to look at the sky and be free for once in my life
and know its okay to take a chance and never think twice
i want to know who i am and not act like i do
i want to be happy for once for just a minute or two
my life i will no longer be full of anger at who i am inside
i want to be something and live and thrive
because i know that i deserve to be who i am and nothing more because who i am is great and "who could ask for anything more:)"

comments are appreciated

visiting with chelsea

in library right now