judge me

go ahead your not the first
and you won't be the last

...........

just because it's monday

your beauitful

you take my breath away

i thank god for everday your in my life

i love you

i will always love you

i have always loved you

and this is just for it being monday

something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue

Heartache and pain are what he feels

Could the cruel words he hear really be real

"Your nothing your no one just another nigga to me everything you are is what i made you 2 be"

Words that hit through his flesh and all

They hit him so hard he just fallls

into a train of thought that these words might be true

the insecurities he has tried to hide everyone could now see through

They see the depression, rage , anger, and hate

they see they envy and the lust to find an unsure fate They see the lost boy that doesn't want to go home at night

To a drunken father and another fight

To a home so broken it doesn't hold him at night instead only haunted dreams of an out of control fight

A place that he remembers was once filled with love

but with ever bottle swished it flew away as a dove

He tries to fight using the knowledge he was blessed with

but in the situation the knowledge is only a myth

for no book taught him how to grow up so fast

when he s put in situations that will forever haunt his past

He chooses to cut into his heart and take his father completely out

The good the bad everything and chooses to reroute

with the cutting he determines a new route to take o

out of this road that made his skin so thick

out of this road that made him sick

out of this road with another FUCKING challenge that was suppose to make him stronger

out of this road of constant forgiving of someone he could take no longer

out of this road that made him feel like everyone was out to get him

out of this road of not letting anyone in to see the real him

out of a rough life that no one ever nor will ever really know

out of a rough life that he never thought would get so low

for on this new road the past lurks no more

only greatness and the wanting to be free and sore

for he wants to be happy have friends and always smile

even if it is only for a brief short while

people will never understand the struggle he has faced

or the nightmares he wished he could erase

or why he's get mad and has an attitude all the fucking time

but it's all just a protective wall that he's finally going to let down f

or once in his life to see who would come around

see what friends are found to be right

a friend to be with and treat him right

for a true friend had always been a myth

never around because they never exist

but he's ready to move forward into a brighter day

one that someday will take him far far away

Now that you've seen just a glimpse of his life

maybe you will understand why he must always fight

why wait...

why must we wait till the ones we love are gone to celebrate there life
why must we wait to say the beautiful things we love about them until there nothing more than dust
why should we wait till a heart stops to say i love you
when that i love you could of kept that heart pumping( to be continued tired )

PEOPLE ARE DUMB BITCHES THAT NEVER EVER CHANGE

I'm sitting in my room so fucking mad rite now i could just rip out my hair on the Verge of crying my eyes out because i know it's better than yelling and screaming at every single person in my house. As i sit up against my blue wall in my room wondering what the fuck I'm going to do, while procrastinating for finals, the amazing Chelsea Wells pops into my brain and say "blog". I talked to Chelsea yesterday when the seniors came back into adv drama and she said " T-dunc why the fuck haven't you blogged" my response "i been busy". i have found myself really getting upset easily lately and not being able to shake that sense of rage i feel and i hadn't pondered why until just now when i said to myself shit i haven't blogged in 2 weeks. blogging has been a legit escape for me whether i post it or not, i have been able to focus, do better in school, and not self destruct because blogging has let me escape from myself and the reality of my life which i most the time HATE. it's crazy that something so simple as writing just whatever the fuck is on your mind can really release who you are. All the thought i have in my mind, the feelings, the worries can all be let out here and then i feel free. idk I'm just blown away that this one little thing on the Internet had i found sooner could of stopped my breakdown, my freak outs, my self destruction and stopped me from doubting me. it so cool to go on here spell shit wrong curse lay your feeling all out there and not care if someone reads it or comments it or hates it. but back to the topic at hand people are dumbass bitches. i cannot STAND how ignorant and stupid WE as a human race are. we treat each other like shit, hate one another behind each others back, and really take each other for granted. Sometimes i sit back and just feel sad for some the people in this school and leaving this school. Some don't even know what haveing a true friend is , what a caring person looks like, or even ever actually meant "how are you doing" when they asked someone. There so artificial and plastic and stupid. I get so frustrated because there is more to life the manhattan beach or hermosa beach or whatever fucking beach you live in. there are people starving for the scraps you throw away at dinner, great minds rotting because there not given a chance at a good education, young spirits dieing because they have accepted there is nothing better for them than there current misery, people wishing they could live in a town where the cheapest house is 1 million dollars there are people dieing for a chance at success why those people piss it away. one these days by the time they realize all the good things they have got it going 2 b 2 late. people take there lives there money there cars all for granted but what we take for granted the most is each other. i don't give fuck if this sounds cocky or arrogant since i'm such an arrogant asshole as it is which i still don't get but someone will miss me someone will have taken my love and friendship for granted and will miss it. i know i have so much to give to the world and i don't believe i would be going through the hell i have been through my whole life if there wasn't a purpose for me. but people take what i can give for granted all the time whether it b help with this or that or even a smile and by the time they realize that they took me for granted my wall will already be built 12 feet high against them and the cries for help will no longer be heard. because i cried for help or a hand to hold while i walked through hell and they weren't there because they knew i would always be there. So whoever reads this random ,long. pure venting. poorly edited blog please don't take the people in your life for granted because they could be gone tomorrow

Hope

Hope that the last piece will fall into place

Imagine

Imagine the problems that could be solved

if we only opened up our mouths and spoke what we truely felt inside.

wondering

our librarian is such a fucking dick. He bitches at you for not having a note from your teacher when you need 2 print 1 fucking thing or copy one piece of paper that takes 2 seconds. He always seems like he is fighting back showing an emotion either anger, fear, sorrow something. I wonder if he tries so hard to control everything and keep everything neat and in line because his life has been the total opposite messy, complicated, and out of control. As i sit here in the library 4th period procrastinating on doing the research i am actually supposed to be doing i look at this man and just wonder. WHo could of made him such an angry little man. What made him want to spend the rest of his life monitoring 9th graders watching porn on the Internet or wasting his time teaching students who don't care how to use search engines when 99% of them are just going to use google or yahoo anyway. who needs to control every little thing in there life to keep sane. If he has kids are they as confined as his library is his wife, or boyfriend, kept on such a short leashe or does he overcompinsate for not being able to control these thing or people, if they exsist in his life, by controlng everything else in his life to a T. But that all we can ever really do as observers of other peoples life is think, wonder , speculate, because the truth is we never really know what someone is thinking or has just thought of how they really feel. We never know what they have been through or are going through, or what they are avoiding. But yet we judge and wonder and come to our own conclusions on what we think there life is when it may not hurt to just mind your own business or ask sometimes eople need to let others into there life to truely complete it. Bell about to ring god how i love to blog

jealousy

Dedicated to a friend that was never really a friend

jealousy :a feeling of jealous envy, is what the dictionary defines it as.



you look at me with smiles yet my name was just on your lips
we laugh togehter yet you were just laughing at me
we hang out yet all you do is complain about why we don't hang out anymore
you hate me so much that i am what consumes your life, drives your exsistences ,your next breath, your next heart beat, your next thought
i am what keeps you thriving knowing that you have someone to put all your self anger and self hate on
i am not going to change who i am for anyone and exspecially not a true friend like you
all the light i have in my life the few good things i have to hold on to are sucked out by you and your negativity when your around
when we talk it's never "how are you", "whats up", it's "did you hear about so and so" , or "these are my problems stop what your doing and listen to me"
but when i have problems you hear them but you never listen you have the words pass through one ear and out the other
your expression shows that your not really there even though you agree and say "o yeah" to everything i say
the nights i hurt you were never there to offer your shoulder
we were suppose to be family yet i was never good enough for you consider me a brother
i became occuppied with being happy and that was a bad thing to you
i choose not to sulk in the misery of my life but change it and you hated me for that
i choose to not be angry anymore but to forgive myself and that was a weak move
i wanted to not wake up in the morning regretting that i had woken up and i was being stupid
i was tired of hating the world for being stuck in a family and a world i didn't belong to yet all you did was complain about how you felt a lil unhappy and depressed in your perfect life
a true friend would not have hated me for who i was becoming but would of supported me the whole way
a true friend would not be jealous of my happiness but want to bathe in it with me
a true friend would of been there through thick and thin
we parted our ways and drifted because I made the choice too that blame is on me
but i made that choice because i could no longer hate who i was or who i was becoming
and because you left me no other choice to choose from
comments appreciated

feeling alone

a feeling that leaves you hot and cold at the same time
a feeling that leaves you so hurt inside it fucks up your mind and body
a feeling that haunts you in your happiest moments yet never lets you forget your worst
a feeling so dark and empty that no light is ever seen upon your face
a feeling that leaves you breathless but wanting you to stay that way
a feeling that the slitting of wrist can't even make you stop feeling
a feeling of looking in the mirror praying that finally there is no reflection
a feeling of being in the most crowded room yet feeling that no one is there with you
a feeling that makes you want to sleep but never awake from that sleep again
a feeling of looking at the sun yet only seeing rain
a feeling of never seeing the flowers grow only watching them die
a feeling that leaves you wishing your own little corner was a little smaller
a feeling wanting you to cling to others but making you realize theres no one there
a feeling that to many hear about yet none listen to
a feeling of fear and anxiety from feeling fear and anxiety
a feeling of knowing tomorrows coming but wanting it only to stay away
a feeling that makes the same moment that took your breath away leave you gasping for air
a feeling of no love or support that no one should ever have to feel
a feeling i know all to well yet no one knows that feeling lives inside of me .

ME

how do i open my eyes when they have always been closed
how do i blossom when I've never been good enough to be a rose
beaten down and tore down is all I've ever been through
told you'll be nothing and no one will ever love you
a place of love and comfort doesn't exist for me
a place of hatred and sorrow is my reality
run forever and maybe it will all disappear
the pain the heartache and the hidden tears
the buried gashes in my soul that bleed dieing hope
of something of anything not simply no
the damaged wings of my spirit that i will always have to live with that drag like a dieing corpse with nothing in it
the cracked teeth of my smile that can only be hidden for so long
from the world from my friends that something is really wrong
the hurt heart inside that only weeps of dreams that have died
slowly with every tear i have ever cried
but the reflection in the mirror is not 1 that is familiar to me
i don't know who I'm looking at and it confuses me
nothing is wrong and its soul lives with no doubt
of tomorrow of yesterday or of any account
when it cried out for help for anyone someone to hear
but no echo was ever heard the silence was clear
and that silence has lived in me for 2 long
and the pain inside me is beginning to pro long
into anger and fear frustration i cannot bear
one that i can no longer hide as it lingers through the air
i am damaged and crying for a lending hand
of someone who will not judge me in the end
for my past or future things that i may do
but see that the person inside me is true
and will love me, hold me, and listen to the voice voice inside

that has been caged and chained for to long but has refused to die
and not be heard by the world and show all the amazing things it can do
because I'm done with hiding and this voice is too
I'm done with being unhappy i want to breath the fresh air
and not have to worry if someone is judging me and simply not care
i want to be able to look at the sky and be free for once in my life
and know its okay to take a chance and never think twice
i want to know who i am and not act like i do
i want to be happy for once for just a minute or two
my life i will no longer be full of anger at who i am inside
i want to be something and live and thrive
because i know that i deserve to be who i am and nothing more because who i am is great and "who could ask for anything more:)"

comments are appreciated

visiting with chelsea

in library right now